Reminiscent

My high school sweetheart’s mom died yesterday.  Cancer.  I knew early on when she was diagnosed, but thought it best to keep my distance, especially since he’s been back in town for years and I might run into him if I stopped by to see her.

It’s awkward.  He was my first love.  I was convinced we’d marry.  His mom believed the same.  Even years after I married Daniel, his dad told my dad they thought maybe Doug screwed up by letting me go.

Letting go.  Most days, it is natural, comfortable, to move about in my current surroundings and doings and relationships.  But some days, days like today, it feels sluggish.  Like my heart is certainly still in-tune with Daniel’s and all this journey together has enabled, but there’s static on the line.  Historical stories of my life that keep fuzzing in and out, reminding me of the big dreams and the summer nights under the stars , driving dirt roads in his souped-up truck or working on his relic chevy.  We thought we had the world by the tail.  But he couldn’t help himself around other girls and I couldn’t settle for a self-centered love that dismissed Jesus as another good story in the pages of history.

His mom hunted me down one day in PE after we broke up the first time, asking me to give him another chance, because he couldn’t stop comparing his new girlfriends to me.  And so we gave it another try.  But college called me away, largely because partying was beckoning him. 

I was a train-wreck for two years trying to get over him.  Until I finally got away.  A sabbatical if you will,  a semester abroad.  And God moved in when I moved away.  For you see it wasn’t until I fell in love with God that I could really give my heart away wholly.  I didn’t realize it till months later, but as I flew over the big pond, I was dumping gallons of past mistakes into the deep blue ocean.  And while I was piling the waters high with the litter of my shallow dreams and selfish ambitions, I was also allowing it to cleanse me for a new beginning, centered around my big God who had bigger dreams in store.

A new beginning with the man God intended for me.  Daniel.  He’s much more than I ever dreamed for.  God knew what he was up to.  Go figure.  And I love Daniel more fully and more deeply than I ever thought possible.  He completes me and makes me into a better person every day I remain in him as his friend, his lover, his wife, his life-long companion.

Though Daniel has replaced Doug’s spot in my heart, there’s still a scar I cannot erase, a tattoo of sorts with the initials DEH.  And on days like today, I no longer love Doug, but I do wish him well, hoping he can find the peace only Jesus can offer when we lose our very dear loved ones.  So this is why there’s static on my line today.  A slight buzzing of prayer for the boy I first gave my heart to, hoping in his life today he can give his heart away as well, to the only One worthy of all we have.