Blah

All three are tucked snuggly into bed, cuddled with warm, fuzzy blankets and favorite animal friends.  All is settled in for the night, all except me.

It’s been this way for days now.  I just can’t quite settle into anything.  I fill my days with tasks that need done, but no day leaves me feeling satisfied with the work accomplished.  It’s like I’m forgetting to do something very important and I spend all day taxing my brain trying to remember what I should be rushing to get to.  And it’s quite unnerving.

I’m slipping back into unemotional days.  Days where I’m going through the motions but nothing excites me, nothing sparks my passion, nothing.  And I’m responsible enough to at least keep going moving, but my heart knows all is not as it should be.  There’s something more waiting, perhaps.  Or perhaps it’s right beneath my nose and I just can’t see it, or feel it, or grasp it.  Or perhaps I am ignoring it. . .

I took a bike ride today.  I thought it might help.  I went around our country block, which means I rode a couple miles on gravel roads.  And yes it felt good to get some fresh air and exercise.  But still no real awakening.

So now I’m writing.  Will this perhaps stir in my soul some new spark?  Doubtful.  All it’s really serving is a hard-core appetite for sleep.  I am feeling rather tired.

Tired of the current ebbs and flows.  Tired of ministries that seem pointless because nothing seems to work.  Tired of mediocre days filled with normal business.  Even normal appointments with God have become just that-normal. 

But deep inside I want to fly.  I want to dream big and explode brilliantly.  I want to write the words that speak a thousand miles to kindle deadened, cold hearts, including mine.  I want to serve Him.  And not just an obligatory service, but a passionate outpouring that begins so deep that as it wells further to my surface, I cannot begin to explain it or contain it.

But for now, I’m still tired.  I think I’ll take a shower and go to bed.  Maybe tomorrow’s motions will lead to a stirring within.  But if not, there’s always another day, right?

I wrote this post the other day.  The next day, here was my morning devotion:

"God's desire for you is that you be emotionally stable, consistent, reliable, and even in your temperament.  He desires for your physical needs to be satisfied.  He desires for your spiritual life to be balanced and growing.  His will is never for one of His children to be on an emotional, physical, or spiritual roller coaster of extreme highs and lows.  Rather, He desires that you be in balance and that you be able to confront both positive and negative situations with a consistency of joy, love, and peace."  -Charles Stanley

God's timing.  I love it, though sometimes I am tempted to scowl upon it.  He tells me exactly what I need exactly when I need it.  And that is one of the many reasons I love Him.  He's good to my heart, bringing joy, love, and peace, even when I try to pass the current day off as only a passageway to another normal, not-good-for-much, mediocre day.  For God reminds me in that moment that He is anything BUT mediocre.